Two Plants in a Garden
by CrackFicsAreUs
Summary: When Blaine the shrub gets planted next to Kurt in the McKinley Garden, things will certainly never bet the same.  But what about the evil Venus fly trap Karofsky?  Shrub!Klaine


_Author Note: If I actually were to post this to my account, everyone would stop following me and yeah it would ruin all my legit stuff…_

**Pairing:** Klaine

**Summary:** When Blaine the shrub gets planted next to Kurt in the McKinley Garden, things will certainly never bet the same. But what about the evil Venus fly trap Karofsky? Shrub!Klaine

**Disclaimer: **This is just a horrible joke. I haven't watched Glee in about a year. So…yeah.

**WARNING: Rated M for cross-pollination.**

Kurt sighed out oxygen gas, his green chloroplasts photosynthesizing in the bright warm sunlight. Rachel, the stupid flowering bush across the way was insisting again that she was the best sounding shrub in the garden, and that's why she got all the watering solos and all, but everyone knew that was just because she was the closest to the hose.

The gardenerman walks up with a new shrub in hand and says "I think I'll put you right next to this shrub."

Kurt wanted to say "WTF man, why are you talking to shrubs? We can't understand you." Then he realized he didn't have a mouth.

Carefully, the gardenerman dug up a hole, but not without bumping a root or two that made Kurt xylem pulse with anger. But soon, the new shrub had plopped down, its roots free of the evil cheesecloth bag.

"Wha, where am I?" the new shrub looked around.

"This is McKinley Garden. And I'm Kurt!" he looked at the new guy and boy was he a good looking shrub. Symmetrical, great post-modern trimming and a healthy root system to boot; this shrub had it going on.

"I'm Blaine. Blaine Shruberson. I just transferred from the Warbler's Nature Preserve. It was unisexual preserve."

"Oh, that's different." Kurt's branches tried to smile. "Well, let me give you the run down on the place." He pointed with a branch to the tree in the center. "That's Mr. Shu. He gels his leaves every morning. But we don't know why he's here. No one really likes him or anything."

Blaine nodded. In fact, they were planted so closely together the entire side of him. It was an odd sensation; he had never been so close to another plant before! Because they were planted in one place and all.

"And then there's Mercedes." Kurt swayed in the wind towards the ivy growing on the wall. "She complains a lot. But then again, so does everyone here. We all have problems and talking about them is really important."

Blaine smiled cutely at this. "Would you ever want to go out for some coffee sometime?"

"What's coffee?" 

"I don't know, but I think I had it poured on me once. I was planted next to a driveway."

"Oh."

"Wait who is that?" Blaine pointed to the sunflower along the wall.

"Mike Chang. He sways in the wind a lot. I think people call it dancing."

"I think I'd like dancing. And making sound too! Not just manufacturing glucose and such. I really want to live! Get replanted in New York or something!"

"Where's that?"

"I don't know. Someone dropped a pamphlet about it on me once. I was planted next to a driveway. But it said something about musicals. I want to be in one!"

Kurt's respiration caught in his intracellular membranes. "That's been my dream too!"

The two shrubs would have looked at each other intently, deep into one another's eyes, if they could see. The rest of the garden seemed to fade away.

"Excuse me," Rachel the flowered bush interjected. "But I'm the best singer here."

"Shut up, plants can't sing," the two shrubs said in unison, their branches intertwining.

"Hmph," Rachel tried to storm off, but it wasn't raining, thundering, or lightninging.

"Hey Kurt.?

"Yeah Blaine?"

"I don't mean to change the subject without a segue, but I think what I'm about to say has character development potential."

Kurt furrowed his nonexistent brow. "What do you mean?"

"Have you ever…cross pollinated before?"

The well dressed shrub shook his head. "_Can _we do that?"

"I don't see why not."

"Okay."

Just then the gardenerman walked into the garden carrying a potted plant. It was a Venus Fly Trap.

"What unusually bad timing!" Blaine lamented.

"That's Karofsky."

"What's so special about him?"

"He's the only plant that can move.

"Sup losers," Karofsky caught a fly to digest to harvest its proteins and amino acids and such, not actually to digest it for chemical energy.

"Why are you even here?" the shrubs said together in a show of unity.

"Just wanted to show you that I can move, and am better at football than either of you."

"SHUT OF KAROFSKY. PLANTS CAN'T PLAY FOOTBALL."


End file.
